MEMORY

MEMORY IS A TRICKY THING IN YOUR BRAIN

WHY

WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME?
WHY DID GOD TAKE YOU?
WHY HAVE I BEEN MADE TO SUFFER?
WHY AM I BEING TESTED?
WHY DO I QUESTION HIM?
WHY IS PRAYER SUPPOSE TO MAKE THINGS BETTER?
WHY AM I STILL HERE?

WHEN

WHEN WILL MY MY HEAD STOP FLOATING
WHEN WILL MY HEAD STOP HURTING
WHEN WILL MY HEART STOP HURTING
WHEN WILL MY LIFE STOP TURNING
WHEN WILL I STOP SHAKING
WHEN WILL MY RECOVERY BEGIN
WHEN WILL I FEEL LIKE THE OLD ME
WHEN WILL LIFE GET BETTER
WHEN WILL FAMILY UNDERSTAND MY SUFFERING

WHEN WILL IT END

WHEN WILL IT STOP
WHEN WILL IT LEAVE MY HEAD
WHEN CAN I JUST LET IT ALL GO
WHEN WILL I FEEL NORMAL AGAIN WHAT EVER NORMAL IS
WHEN WILL PEOPLE STOP STARING
WHEN WILL THEY STOP JUDGING ME
WHEN WILL MY KIDS ACCEPT ME FOR WHO I AM NOW
WHEN WILL MY FLOOD OF TEARS TURN TO HAPPY THOUGHTS
WHEN WILL IT END
WILL IT END WHEN I TAKE MY LIFE OR WHEN I JUST DO NOT CARE ANYMORE

MY OWN PERSONAL BUBBLE

THE SOUNDS OF PEOPLE
THE SOUNDS OF MUSIC
THE NOISE IN MY HEAD
THE WHISPERS AND STARES OF PEOPLE
EVERYONE WANTS A PIECE OF ME
EVERY ONE SPEAKS AT ONE TIME
MY OWN PERSONAL BUBBLE
THAT IS SUPPOSE TO PROTECT ME
IN MY OWN SPACE AND TIME
I TALK TO PEOPLE FOR HELP WHO IO FEEL DO NOT UNDERSTAND
I EXPRESS
MY SADNESS AND PAIN IN MY LIFE
I CRY AND RELIVE IT LIKE IT WAS MY OWN PERSONAL DAY OF HELL

WHAT DEPRESSION MEANS TO ME

D-DESPAIR
E-EFFECTS OF OTHERS
P-PAIN
P-PERSONAL FEARS
R- RELENTLESS SADNESS
E-EFFORT TO LIVE
S-SUPPRESSED FEELINGS
S-SUSPICIOUS OF OTHERS
I-I HATE MYSELF
O-OWN MY OWN FATE (THAT'S A REALLY MEAN JOKE)
N-NOISE IN MY HEAD

DEPRESSION MEANS TO ME

DESPAIR
EFFECTS OF OTHERS
PERSONAL FEARS
PAIN
RELENTLESS FEELINGS
EFFORT TO LIVE
SUPPRESSED LIFE
SUSPICIOUS OF OTHERS
I HATE MYSELF
OWN MY FATE
NOISE IN MY HEAD

MY PRIVATE BUBBLE-MY PERSONAL HELL

THE SOUNDS OF PEOPLE
THE SOUNDS OF MUSIC
THE NOISE IN MY HEAD
THE WHISPERS OF PEOPLE
EVERYONE TALKING AT 1 TIME
IT VIBRATES MY BUBBLE
IN MY SPACE AND TIME
I TALK TO PEOPLE FOR HELP!
I EXPRESS MY SADNESS AND PAIN IN MY LIFE
I CRY AND RELIVE IT LIKE IT WAS THE
SAME DAY OF MY PERSONAL HELL!
WHEN WILL IT STOP?
WHEN WILL IT LEAVE MY HEAD?
WHEN WILL I FEEL NORMAL AGAIN?
WHEN WILL PEOPLE STOP STARING?
WHEN WILL MY CHILDREN UNDERSTAND?
WHEN WILL MY FLOOD OF TEARS TURN TO HAPPY THOUGHTS?
WHEN WILL IT BE OVER? WILL IT BE OVER WHEN I END MY LIFE?

MY THOUGHTS ON DEPRESSION THE MONTH OF OCTOBER

SOMEWHERE IN THE MONTH OF OCTOBER I LOST ME?
THE HAPPY ME! THE PERSON WHO LOVED HER JOB ME!
THE HOPEFUL ME! THE ME THAT ENJOYED EACH DAY AT ITS FULLEST, THE ME THAT CARED ABOUT EVERYONE EVERYWHERE.
NOW YOU ARE STUCK WITH THIS ME THAT DOES NOT UNDERSTAND WHY SHE SITS HERE NOW TO WRITE THIS LETTER.
IT IS BECAUSE I AM A DISGRACE ! I AM A PERSON WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHAT WENT WRONG AND HOW i COULD HAVE LET US LOSE OUR HOUSE OUR CAR MY JOB MY LIFE.
I FEEL AS IF I CAN NOT BE A MOM AND A WIFE BECAUSE YOU ALL DESERVE BETTER THAN ME!!!

THOUGHTS OF DEPRESSION" LIFE WITHOUT ME"

WHAT WOULD YOUR LIFE BE WITH OUT ME?
WOULD YOU BE RELIEVED OR SADDENED?
WOULD YOU FEEL PAIN OR PLEASURE?
WOULD YOU FEEL A SENSE OF FREEDOM FOR NOT HAVING TO TAKE CARE ABOUT ME NOW?
WOULD YOUR LIFE BE EASIER?
WOULD YOU FEEL A SENSE OF SADNESS AND THEN JUST CARRY ON AS IF IT WAS JUST ANOTHER DAY?
WOULD YOU UNDERSTAND THAT MY HAPPINESS IS IN THE MEMORIES THAT I WILL HAVE LEFT FOR YOU?
WOULD YOU UNDERSTAND THE IMPORTANCE OF MY HOME WHERE WE ALL LIVED AND DREAMED.
WOULD YOU UNDERSTAND THAT I AM NOT LIKE YOU AND THAT MY SENSE OF BEING HAS SOMEHOW BEEN LOST WITH EVERY LOSS IN MY LIFE?
WOULD YOU STRUGGLE TO UNDERSTAND WHAT WAS IMPORTANT TO ME?
COULD YOU UNDERSTAND WHY I CHOSE TO TAKE ME OUT OF THE PICTURE SO YOU COULD HAVE ALL YOU AND THE KIDS WANT AND DESERVE?

MY THOUGHTS ON DEPRESSION

MUSIC BRINGS LIFE TO MY SOUL!
IT MAKES ME FEEL REAL AND ALIVE WITH IMMENSE PAIN AND JOY AND SORROW.
IT IS LIFE TO MY INNER BEING AND DEATH TO MY OUTER BEING!

IT IS THE WAY i LIVE THE WAY I BREATH AND THE WAY I THINK.
IT IS A WAY OF HEALING AND MENDING BROKEN PIECES OF ME. SAVING THEM TO MEND THEM TO TRY AND MAKE ME WHOLE AGAIN.

MY THOUGHTS ON DEPRESSION

I AM ON AN EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER THAT JUST WILL NOT STOP.
I AM AT THE TOP OF THE WORLD WITH AN OUTLOOK ON LIFE THAT IS TRULY WORTH LIVING.
AND THEN MY ROLLER COASTER TAKES A HUGE DOWNWARD SPIRAL THROWING ME TO THE OUTER LIMITS OF MY BEING!
AND THEN THERE IS A SLOW TURN AHEAD JUST LETTING ME KNOW THAT I WILL BE OKAY.
AND THEN HERE COMES THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL SHAKING ME BACK TO MY UNRELENTING REALITY THAT MY LIFE IS FAR FROM OKAY.
AND THE ONCE AGAIN EVERYTHING GOES TOPSY TURVY AND UPSIDE DOWN AND TO A SCREECHING HALT SAYING IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT? OR IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT TO BE LIKE OR IS IT WORTH THE HIGHS BEFORE THE LOWS?

THOUGHTS OF DEPRESSION

WHAT IS MY LIFE WORTH TODAY?

IS MY LIFE WORTH YOU RESPECTING MY BOUNDARIES?

IS MY LIFE WORTH YOU HELPING ME TO COPE WITH MY ISSUES.

IS MY LIFE VALUED BY A $ OR A TRUE MEANING OF BEING?

IS MY LIFE WORTH TH TROUBLE OF REBUILDING TO MAKE A BETTER LIFE?

IS MY LIFE WORTH THE RESPECT AND UNDERSTANDING THAT I HAVE SOMETHING IN MY HEAD THAT IS WRONG OR LESS THAN PERFECT?

IS MY LIFE WORTH YOU UNDERSTANDING WHAT MAKES ME FEEL THE WAY I FEEL?

IS MY LIFE WORTH THE HELP TO UNDERSTAND MY FAULTS AND MY DOWNFALLS?

IS MY LIFE WORTH YOU PICKING ME UP AND SAYING IT WILL BE ALRIGHT?



OR IS MY LIFE JUST MY LIFE? THE LIFE THAT KNOW ONE UNDERSTANDS EXCEPT FOR OTHERS WHO ARE SUFFERING LIKE ME?



WHAT IS MY LIFE WORTH TO ME? NOTHING!!!!!!!